Picking up From where we left off! We are just going to jump right in.
Disclaimer - This one is for 'HONEST FOLK'
If you are a thinker like I am, you would often sit and wonder, when did my life get so messy, how, why, where? I would bombard my mind, trying to peel back those memories that my mind has forced me to suppress. Those memories that are too painful to bare..so your minds just tucks it away nicely for you. Then there are these things called triggers, as a Social Work and now Psychology major, many times I was forced to delve into my history. However, the biggest trigger came when I was about twenty years old, sitting in my living room and scrolling through youtube and finding a powerful poet that we all now know to be Janette—IKZ.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7X50KQC6K8&t=16s ---I advise you to watch!
She spoke on a terrifying experience she had of being molested as a child and the many intricacies of that. In that moment simply listening to her story, I could feel my mind beginning to do backflips and it was if someone just pressed a rewind button. I saw six year old me, sitting on a couch similar to the one I was sitting on at this time. An older family member sitting next to me and running his hand inside my pants, touching my genitals. It was as if I was reliving that moment even though many years had passed. I could still remember the way my body froze, not knowing whether to feel ashamed, scared, pleasure….. what was happening? Something in me told me that this was not the first time this happened, but for the life of me my mind would not allow previous memories to come forth. Yet I was stuck reliving this one particular instance that etched a clear emotion of confusion. When it was over, which seemed to be forever, I remember vividly thinking did anyone not see this. I felt like the room was filled with people but I was invisible. Six years old…. the first-time… maybe… the time that I could remember…..yes! .
When I came to myself after experiencing that powerful trigger! Sitting there reliving this moment , I couldn't remember a time that I cried the way I did that night, it was almost like God said I am healing you now. This moment was so powerful because as a young adult, being in a relationship during this time.. I was battling with not falling into fornication(sex before marriage) due to all that I was already exposed to. This same night ,my friend sent me a song coincidently called “No shades of gray”-by Johnathan Mc Reynolds.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mp9nsloB-JU ----I advise you to listen.
Many times we don’t understand why our life unfolds the way it does,why we struggle to maintain relationships, get scared by certain sounds… I could go on! Between watching this powerful message and then listening to the song …I just remembered feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, hurt, despair… like I wanted to shout sooooo loud that I was hurting, broken but in reality ,was I the one to blame in the first place. After all ,many years had indeed past… who would believe me if I said anything now?….lets be honest!
Yet secrets make you sick…… the secrets that made me deal with the sexual perversion of masturbation for years!!! You see from that moment my innocence was tampered with I could not shake the desire to relive the experience of the pleasure that I faced ,even tho it made me feel guilty for enjoying something that I KNOW AS A SIX YEAR OLD child was wrong, yet I didn’t know the name of what I was doing or even why it was wrong!!!!!. For years no matter how hard I cried,tried ,begged God to help me to stop…. Masturbation almost became a part of me.
Understand that I was Christian, was in church all my life and I remember so many times feeling like I needed to fear, be scared of this God because I was definitely unworthy of being in his presence….. Going into relationships with this mentality and past ,I was also very aware of the implications of fornication…. I decided that the only way to remain safe is to construct a wall…..if I could hide this vulnerable part of me that I can’t seem to control…I will be seen as whole.
RELEVANCE
Fast forward to the year 2016! Nothing much had changed …..and here I was the same young lady ….now being placed in another country.....where God was determined to bring me face to face with myself… every hidden area and most importantly, face to face with himself.
If you read my last post, you would know that I had a serious ‘drinking problem’. Like when my world ….the walls I constructed, the comfort zones I designed all started to strip away…. unfortunately, that became my go to. Listen ,I loved God all through this but as I stated I really remember believing that God was a punisher, like he will embarrass me,if I ever came to him with all this mess. Many times I remember God bringing healing whether through deliverance, prophetic ministry or just being in his presence. He would let me know that he is my everything and only in him would my healing come. I remember clinging to his words and this is where the God of the bible became real to me.
I started attending a church near my campus ,( Tabernacle of prayer), best church ever ....follow them on the gram. God stepped into my world in a BIG WAY!. Because God knew I was already scared of him that he would strike me down for my many sins .God ,being the loving father that he is.... told me and I quote "Apryl, I know you by name, that personal issue you are dealing with, I will take it away completely". I don't know who you serve ,if your God speaks, heals and delivers, but in that moment of last year 2017, God took away every sexual perversion, every ounce of it...... something that I struggled with for yearssss.... in one moment gone. It's almost been a year where i could say I am masturbation free... if thats a thing ....but most importantly,the spirit of lust has departed. Like that fear I had for God began to melt .... the scripture tells us that
1 John 4:18 New International Version (NIV) There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
GOD SHOWED ME HIS LOVE!!!! LIKE HE LOVES ME FOR REALLLLLL!!!
I am saying all this to say that sometimes God gives us wilderness experiences so that we can find him. I mean I have so much to share from my crazy dorm room life experiences ...to almost being killed... but God really wanted me to focused on what I mentioned here today!!!! LIKE, it took a lot....
I DONT KNOW IF I WAS SPEAKING TO YOU ,BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
If your life is manifesting pain that you never shared ,but for some reason it is oozing out of other areas of your life.... I am here to say God is coming down your alley with his healing oil,his loving arms and he is here to wrap you and take every pain away.
I have started calling this experience of my life the Pit to the Promise..
Even tho ,you feel like you are stuck in the pit. It could be pits of rejection,frustration, confusion,addiction, abuse......... the reality is that it is a pit...... but guess what we have a promise.
Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him.Blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. (alcohol,became my God,because,it was what I turned to).Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. (promise)None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.
TAKEAWAY:- I cant help but think about Joesph when he was thrown into a pit by his brothers. So cruel...... but necessary..sold into slavery....fast forward to him becoming King and saving his brothers. If you are reading this I can already tell you are a creative..... you love either singing,poetry,dance,drama etc.... you like Joseph are a dreamer. The enemy sought to end your life and kill your destiny by what happend to you ,whatver that may have looked like...but God makes EVERYTHING, work together for good. The story of Joseph is soooo good,like if he wasnt thrown into the pit,he wouldnt have been positionedto save his family when a famine hit their homeland. The fact that I went through all that I did....an entire blog is created ,that is intended to reach nations..........what will be your story?
I have a challenge for you today...taken from Sarah Jakes wild woman challenge...
1. Write a letter to God ,taking yourself back to that moment where your life shattered and share your thoughts,heart with him (only if you could)
2. Write a letter from God to you with what he would have said to you in that moment.
To end today, I share my letter with you..... I pray you find strength,healing,restoration and grace because God intends to heal you completely .
Please feel free to write to me and share how this blog is blessing your life,questions you many have or any feedback at all.... the pop up chat makes u anonymous and you can also shoot me an email on the home page.
be blessed ,love always
A.
DEAR GOD,
Not sure why you are allowing me to experience this. I FEEL like no one can help me...I feel these butterflies in my tummy. I am only a child,should I know this much about what grown ups called sex. I can't stop touching myself but it makes me sad every time I do it. No one is helping me and I can't tell mummy because I think I will be in trouble.I feel scared,God are you mad at me.... I love going to sunday school but i don't like how I feel inside. I don't know why I keep doing this but please help me to stop.
Love six year old Apryl.
DEAR APRYL
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. I know that this experience confused you ad left you feeling stuck as a child. I was singing over you then ....as I am now. My plan was never to allow you to have to face such pain,but I know I was able to turn it all around for your good. Like that time I appointed a pastor to break that spirit of molestation over you when you were ten years old. I knew you never told anyone and you were surprise that he knew,but I was determined to save you. Each time I placed that fight in you to resist the urge and to fight back,that was me saying come on daughter,I got you. Even when you feel like you are in a cycle,my deliverance has already started in you. I never want to see my children hurt. I am thankful that you are writing to me so that someone reading this can be free and allow me to heal them from any abuse,molestation,rape,addiction. I will fulfill my promises to you, I love you daughter, I will protect you.
Your Heavenly Father
